Loving Authentically: Values and the Pitfalls of Codependency

The trap of desperately trying to be our partner's match by sacrificing who we are

Values represent the highest order of psychological construct for humans… if we really understand our own values, they can serve as a guide to how to live right.

Dr. Sean Lyons

If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything…or anyone. All in the name of not dying alone.

In my opinion, it’s often the imaginary starter pistol that goes off in our late 30s that fuels this fear of “dying alone”. Gotta hurry up! Almost 40! Death is always an isolating thing. Unless you put the fam in a trench and pull a grenade pin, of course. (I understand what people mean, though.) But the old adage “you can’t take it with you” applies to your loved ones too. Personally, I think we should be more concerned that life is passing us by. Meanwhile we’re investing precious time in this mad dash, void of dignity, trying to make it work with fallen fruit. Maybe if you’d just quit looking at your damn feet and hold your head high, you could see a healthy relationship is within your grasp.

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You know, I’ve written quite a lot on the subject of codependency. I sat with this piece for a while. I thought about how to explain, in textbook terms, the act of sacrificing personal values in order to make a relationship work. Then my husband asked me, “How would you explain this to a young person?” That hit deep inside because my answer to the old question what would you go back and tell your younger self is this:

There’s a trap people fall into when they get a crush on someone. They assume that because there’s a mutual attraction, despite insurmountable evidence to the contrary, that they can make it work against all odds. That if they just become the ideal person their crush is looking for it will work out. Then, once they give up deeply held beliefs, friendships, and passions to become that person, once they notice that the love interest they’ve given their heart (and life) to hasn’t given up anything, they become resentful. Yet, they will still wait until that person will eventually ‘just change’ suddenly. “Give it time", “this will get better”, and, in extreme cases, “the baby will change everything”, become the hopes we cling to for years, decades…. This all stems from the irrational thought “I’m going to be alone forever.”

Kasey, there are 7.8 billion people in the world. This person does not have to be your final destination.

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We can know codependency has taken deep root in us when we find ourselves sacrificing our values to simply keep our partner invested in us, leading to a loss of integrity and self-identity. Yet, in the codependent’s mind, they feel as if they let go, they’d plummet into an abyss of endless loneliness. Speaking as a recovering codependent, I can tell you that, looking back, I spent too much time determined to fit square pegs into round holes, making relationships projects, instead of living in accordance with my values and attracting the love of my life sooner. Can’t shop with your hands full.

Codependency often involves an excessive reliance on others for self-worth and validation. That can lead to a fear of abandonment and rejection. In such cases, we may prioritize maintaining the relationship and avoiding conflict over our own values and needs.

If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you’d be furious. Yet you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so that they may abuse it, leaving it disturbed and troubled—have you no shame in that?

—Epictetus, Enchiridion 28

I use this quote quite often when I talk about codependency. The “have you no shame in that” is pretty straight — no chaser — but such is the Enchiridion. What this line really conveys is a desperate need for self-awareness and the reality-check that shows us, yeah, this is exactly what’s happening.

The principles of Stoic philosophy emphasize the importance of self-sufficiency and cultivating an inner sense of autonomy. While healthy relationships involve interdependence and support, codependency often involves an excessive reliance on others for emotional well-being and self-identity. Stoicism encourages individuals to develop their own self-worth and find inner contentment rather than seeking validation solely through relationships. The philosophy also encourages taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. Because virtues translate to values for the 21st century Stoic, rather than doing a deep dive into Stoicism as a set of tools to curb codependent behavior (as I’ve done in other articles), I’m going to focus solely on values clarification that has become a cornerstone of Modern Stoicism.

I’ve also enlisted the help of Dr. Sean Lyons of the University of Guelph to shed some light on just how important values are. His research on generational differences in work values and attitudes has been featured in a number of media outlets, including Time Magazine, the Globe & Mail, the National Post and more.  

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Have you ever had a friend who has abandoned their career goals, personal beliefs, faith, hobbies, or important friendships, solely to please their partner and ensure the relationship's security? Yeah, you thought of someone — or maybe it’s you? I’ve clipped my wings for someone else too, over-and-over, losing a decade of my life. A friend of mine once described it as being under a spell or in a self-induced coma. It’s like staring at the sky whilst walking towards a ledge. Oblivious to their partner’s lying, cheating, abusive behavior, etc. Feeling emotionally responsible for their well-being, though, our hopes that they’ll change keep us staring at that sky—looking for a star to wish on perhaps. When we do drop off the cliff, it can be a wake-up call to break these behavioral patterns. Or it can be a prompt to cling to someone else, the low-hanging fruit maybe, and try to fit that square peg into a round hole once more. The good news is that we have a choice.

Codependency most often develops in adults who, while growing up, have received an unequal balance of gushing praise and cutting criticism. It can also result from parentification, being brought up in a situation where one had to be emotionally responsible for an addict parent, we’re not okay if they’re not okay. (People who tend to become paranoid, e.g., when you’re suddenly quiet.)

Of course, this can apply to all of our interpersonal relationships (friendships, professional etc.). This “okay” can come at the expense of our own values, what’s important to us. Being true to values that may conflict with theirs is “rocking the boat” or being an inconvenience, putting the relationship in jeopardy in our eyes. But sacrificing our values and who we are in order to keep our partner never works anyway. And I mean it never works. Living inauthentically, untrue to who we are, always leads to being miserable, relationship or not.

Know thyself: why values clarification is important

Knowing your values and living authentically go hand in hand. When you have a clear understanding of your values, you have a solid framework for making choices that are congruent with your authentic self. This alignment fosters a sense of fulfillment, confidence, and inner harmony as you navigate your life in a way that feels genuine and true to who you are.

Co-authoring the upcoming Stoicism Workbook (New Harbinger) with cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) practitioners Scott Waltman and Trent Codd, I had the honor of kicking off the chapter about values. It was important to us to define what knowing your values really means. And no, values are not always "hard work”, “patriotism”, and “owning a Chevrolet”. Although it’s okay to believe in all of those things, answers like that are often a boilerplate response to what is important to you?

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So, what is important to you? We’re not talking about what your parents believe is important or even your church congregation. Some of you may not be the same person on Saturday night that you are on Sunday morning. Still, somehow, many of us refuse to see that, but it’s a vital part of values clarification. If you’re not living in alignment with what you think you should then you see that as a “bad thing”. The only thing bad about it is living in a constant state of confusion about who you really are.

Stop thinking about what you think is the right answer because there isn’t one. Rule number one is that values are not to be perceived as good or bad but as indifferent. Acknowledging this is the first step toward gaining our freedom from being tethered to someone else’s values. Otherwise, we may have to cut through that same tether anyway, years later, when we finally realize that the relationship is not going to work out.

“You may think you value something, but until you really test yourself, you might not know for sure.” says Dr. Sean Lyons. “For example, a lot of people I know claim to value the environment and protecting the Earth, but they don't really act accordingly. Perhaps they really value comfort and convenience more. It's really helpful to know what you value when you have to make an important life decision (job move, marriage etc.). In 'big' moments there are always a lot of considerations and emotions to sort through. Having clarified your values beforehand makes these decisions easier.”

Dr. Lyons goes onto say, “If you ask someone what's important to them, chances are they will not have an answer at the ready, unless they have been through a values clarification exercise. Values clarification is an opportunity to self-examine and see what's really important, as revealed by your choices, your actions and your emotional reactions to things that have happened…If we really understand our values, they can serve as a guide to how to live right. They represent the highest order of psychological construct for humans. They're central to our self-identity and understanding of our place in the world and how we relate to others.”

What’s the difference between a healthy adoption of our partner’s values and completely abandoning who we are?

Integrity and dignity.

You might ask, “Isn’t adopting my partner’s values and changing my mind about what I used to believe a sign of a progressing relationship?” Genuinely changing our mind about our personal stances and deeply held beliefs in life-for our own personal growth-keeps our integrity in tact. But trading in our values for the sake of feeling loved and accepted is void of integrity and dignity goes right out the window with it. So, it’s the answer to the why: is it for them or do you genuinely stand for these things?

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I asked Dr. Lyons “How can we know if we're living in accord with someone else's values and not our own?”

“As social creatures, our identities, emotions and values are all socially influenced.” he begins. “It's rare to find a person who is truly independent of others, who doesn't care what other people think of them or how they'll be viewed or accepted by others. We need social comparison to help us to adapt and fit in as productive members of society. The challenge some people face is in defining the boundary between their own values and those of others. We are living someone else's value when we behave reactively, rather than thoughtfully and in accordance with our own self-determined values.”

“I feel like we're in a time in which emotionality is encouraged and rewarded.” he adds. “It's common on social media for people to advocate for emotional responses to perceived wrongdoing. But to be true to our own values, we truly have to separate our own values from those of others. This can be difficult, especially in intimate relationships…It's critically important to maintain that boundary between your personal values and those of people in your life. When someone violates your values, you need to remember that their choices are not your choices. What they have done was their choice. Your choice is how best to react in a way that is true to your own values. In fact, when someone hurts you, that's the best time to let your values guide you, rather than reacting emotionally.”

How to clarify our values: two simple, yet powerful, exercises

1. Imagine you’re dying. A fatal illness has befallen you and survival is futile. Now, reflect on your life and ask yourself, “Did I live my life for me or for other people? Was I authentic? Or was I a people-pleaser?” Then, in a twist of fate, you’re offered another chance at life. You have a shot to live it the way you want to.

   What would be important to you now? Would you have put it all on the line for someone else, conforming to their desires and pulling out all the stops to make sure they’re happy? Or would you have been just to the both of you, calling a spade a spade and letting each of you get on with your own lives?

2. Okay, now everyone else is gone. You have no one else to please. It’s just you and a bunch of strangers who couldn’t give a rat’s *ss what you do.

   So, how you gonna live life now? What matters to you? What do you stand for when no one is looking? What are your values now that you have no one else to compare your life to? And when you begin to form new friendships, will you try to collect as many as possible by being agreeable? Or would you cultivate the wisdom and courage to be your best authentic self? Would you be willing to exercise temperance and not simply be a collector of hollow people to keep up with on social media. Even if their approach to life contrasts yours, friends who are emotionally mature enough to have rational discourse, can admit when they’re wrong and are open to learning more, benefiting each of you—and contributing to the betterment of society.

As I’ve said before, according to hospice workers, the number one death bed regret is “I lived my life for other people.” You don’t have to have that regret. Here and now, you have a choice.

Conclusion

The manifestation of codependency becomes evident when we find ourselves making concessions on our core beliefs solely to maintain our partner's emotional involvement, causing a compromise in our integrity and self-identity. Again, in the long term, this does not work. It sucks up a lot of our time too. I mean, how many times can you say to yourself, 'But I learned a lot'?" You haven’t learned anything if it’s the same relationship pattern, different partner.

Long term inner harmony comes when we can embrace the feeling of loneliness. If we can embrace the uncomfortable, in any facet of life, the uncomfortable loses its power and we can discover freedom on the other side. Then, we can focus on simply living a life that’s meaningful to us, not to everyone else. This increases our chances at attracting a relationship that’s organic, and not a project with a self-imposed deadline that we have to bend over backwards for.

By recognizing the boundary between our values and others, we can navigate relationships with greater self-awareness and emotional maturity, ultimately leading to more fulfilling and meaningful connections. Leave your happiness to be dependent on external circumstances and you’re asking for misery.

Seek not that the things which happen should happen as you wish; but wish the things which happen to be as they are, and you will have a tranquil flow of life.

Epictetus

Before you trudge ahead, thinking you have a sure thing with this person, another good question to ask yourself might be, “Is this the relationship dynamic I’d wish for my best friend?”